My Irresponsible Smile

I don't usually smile, or maybe I do… I guess sometimes I don't really know it anymore and I get confused… I think I like smiling, from heart... Or is it just a pale reflection from others around? I tease and I mock as I proclaim humour, happiness and optimism but how much of that is not just a strong arm wrestling against something I cannot even define? Today I feel like a walking contradiction to those assumptions that I don't even feel the joy while writing... I feel lost in a blended emotional/rational compound and I start thinking that emotionless is from where I should not had left... Oh, I was so glad I left and re-learned to smile and uncontrollable smile... This probably looks like an insane despair once I want to continue smiling even though I might feel that would be irresponsible...