My First Year

And so it was, just like no one said how it would be...

My first year without you ends with tears, tears for thinking about everything just right now, tears that occasionally have the opportunity to feel what exists beyond the eyes just for small seconds, tears that urge to scream and make feel the whip, tears that I control not every day I assume but occasionally as said... The same tears with who I struggled for months with every strength of my body. And now in my current solitude (as always) I do not have the control, I don't want to... I do not struggle, I don't want to... not now... Those same tears gush through my eyes gently as my penitence asks why... How so different life would be even with all my lacks of responsibility, my bad judgements and my bad family connection...

I entirely assume my will of smiling every day never thinking of the past year, blocking in my mind all the thoughts that make me struggle but I am not indifferent despite what it can look from outside. Even when it just seems I don't care it is just the shield I managed to grow up in me to never show you my fears. Not to you, not almost to anyone... And this is the way I write... writing to you... and as people say, wherever you are... maybe looking... maybe smiling and not alone... while I stay! But don't worry because I am stronger now, much stronger... just not now... I don't want to... I am stronger and wiser, tricking my mind with insane rationality, never wasting a single hour or minute with nothing crossing it. This is my game even if confused with unconcern. My mind is so busy that I lost myself in my million thoughts but I don't care because I will not cry. And if occasionally I feel such need, I struggle until I am back in the game again. This is not indifference... From the deep of my guts I want to scream when I am accused of that, but I can't and I won't because I am better now and I understand. Is it bad to close my thoughts? Is it selfish? Yes I am ok this way but what do you think? Do you think I have forgotten you? Never... despite my lousy game. I just don't want to struggle more... Please don't be mad... I miss you being mad... Maybe I am not that strong and I am a coward instead... But I am ok as long as you still love me... and I am pretty sure you do... wherever you are... even if I have never said it too you, only responding to your message 'Adoro-te' with a complete idiocy similar to 'Eu também' when you were turning weaker... My stupid reasons stopped me for saying it even if I only felt such need in those times... Do you read my thoughts? Some of them are pretty stupid aren't they? But this is just me... I am sorry! All so many things I wanted to apologise to you would sound me as a 'Goodbye' and I never wanted that... I never thought of that... I only said 'We will see tomorrow how things are going' even if Dad thought I didn't want to face the cruel truth telling me several times how bad was the clinical chart. Don't blame him, he was just trying to protect me, I know. He is really strong too you know, facing all the adversities, not alone, never alone, but with stomach. Yeah, I know, he as large stomach... I remind you laughing now; we were all in the car... I remember... I won't tell the story here because I am not going to mock her, but it was pretty funny... I wrote around a year ago that I didn't want to miss you, I used another blog before this one... really, I did used... anyway I wrote I didn't want to miss you but now as I go calmer I don't think that anymore if it is to talk a little bit with you, but just the good stuff... I don't want to talk about bad stuff... Na na... good and funny stuff cleans my mind and I don't need to struggle... not because I don't want now... I don't need too...